Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Issue 4 - A++ v. D-

A++

Cries for Help
Shave your head, get a Brazilian, forget your panties and drop the baby on its head.

Sociopaths
We're finding pathological lying handy in everyday situations. Trust the sage advice that our fashion school professor, John Freeman, once bestowed on us, "if you don't know about something, it's much easier to lie and figure it out later".

Freaking the Fuck Out
Being well-adjusted is boring. Going crazy on a bimonthly cycle keeps everyone on their toes.

Grammar Girl
If English is your first language, write like you know.
more Grammar Girl

Size 12+ Girls
While these girls binge on crisps and beer the night before, crazed Size 4s will be queuing up for the Kate Moss/ Topshop launch. 12+ gets to waltz in 8hrs later nonchalantly pulling their size off the rack. P.S. Proenza Schouler's Target line still has your size in stock too!

J Brand Bellbottoms
Ding dong! The grim reaper of skinny jeans has arrived.

Crying Club
Just like fight club but no one gets bloody.
more on crying clubs

Lotto and Lobo sneakers
This is actually our friends' idea. But it's the best idea ever. Imagine a sneaker store dedicated to low end sneakers but merchandised like Alife. Genius.

Expense Accounts
The only reason for getting a real job.

100 Percent
If it's not 100% don't bother.



D-

Traumatizing Beauty Procedures
Nothing is worse than picking up warts from your local Vietnamese nail shop.


Spike Jonze as Creative Director for VBS.tv
No wonder Sofia left you.


Rice Kings
Pervert AND racist.

"Funky"
Unless you're 60+ do not use this as an adjective.

J Brand Bellbottoms
Because Canadians never stopped wearing flared jeans.

Dyed Black Hair
The MisShapes already bought all the black hair dye.

Social MacGuyver-ing
As in being left in the middle of butt fuck nowhere and forced to make friends out of string and a paperclip. Or worse, a girl in a Billy Talent t-shirt.

People who don't pull their 50%
Know some useless knobs who aren't pulling their weight? See above comment re: 100 percent.

Being Fucked Over
You work like a dog and then they promote someone who couldn't negotiate their way out a cardboard box and wears American Eagle everyday. Fuck them!

Marc Jacobs' lame new look
Even our gay friends are complaining about this one. Marc Jacobs now looks like a gino.




ALL TEXT COPYRIGHT MISSY AND EM, YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND 2007
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Issue 3 - Big n' Bouncy v. Saggy n' Sunken

Big n' Bouncy

Britney Spears
Thanks for keeping us entertained.

J. Mascis
1. Guest singer on last Mew album.
2. Dinosaur Jr. has reformed.
3. Flanked by Juergen Teller and Kim Gordon at Marc Jacobs' fall '07 show.

Male Brezzies
Just like Jay-Z says: "Ladies is pimp too." It's all about collecting male hos in different area codes.

Rhinestones
Big fuckin' ones all over everything. NOW.

Mr. Furious
Plays first ever live gig this week.
Check this shit before it goes mainstream.
more Mr. Furious

American Apparel's stirrup tights
Just 'cos you dress like a ho, it don't make you so.

Black Jewelry
Because gold and princess-cut diamonds are for assholes.

Erin O'Connor's orange sleeves
We are weeping with joy.

Rich Boy – "Throw Some D's"
"Every freak should have a picture of my dick on dey wall"
more Rich Boy

Reading REAL books
Star, US, Hello! = huffing glue

SuperSuper line-up
Niyi! Foals! Namalee n the Namazonz!
more SuperSuper

Felder-Felder
These twins make the Olsens look as cool as Kirsty Alley.



Saggy n' Sunken

House music
The new Adult Contemporary.


Knock-off BAPE all-over print hoodies
About as dead as bootcut Mavi jeans now.


Dooney & Burke
30+ years in the business and still unable to produce an "it" bag.

Offspring shoe store (Covent Garden location)
Customer service akin to school bully terrorizing.

H&M mascara for men
Why? So Jared Leto and Fall Out Boy can fight over endorsement contracts?

Terror Alerts
No one cares.

Moleskin notebooks
Cost the same as a down payment on a house.

Mischa Barton for Keds
Keds have lowered your stock. What next, Payless Shoes with Star Jones?

VBS.tv
Duller than Rachel Ray's new talk show.

Blacklight
Our one beef with dive bars.

Cliques/Clicks
Terrific for inbreeding and backstabbing.




ALL TEXT COPYRIGHT MISSY AND EM, YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND 2007
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Issue 2 -Dimes v. 5 dressed as 8




DIMES

Jarvis Cocker
Thanks for staying fit. Morrisey, please take note.

Jeremy Scott for Longchamp
Every staid French brand needs to be resuscitated by young genius homo.

Cheap Mondays non-denim trousers
The same perfect cut without the colour fade.

Coral
No longer restricted to shriveled tanned country clubbers. Pair with favourite neutral tan.

Advil Sinus Daytime
Amphetamines for nu-ravers.

Kimora Lee Simmons
Queen of Fabulosity.

Bows
The bigger the better. Five-year-olds rule.

House of Holland
As worn by Gareth Pugh and Giles Deacon last fall; available to the public this spring.

Hye Park
K-town represent!

Tucking shirt in trousers/jeans
As always, Kate does it first.

Neutrogena Rapid Clear On-The-Spot Treatment
They say "visible results in 8 hours." We say "it's true."

Marc Jacob's Bakelite details for Fall '07
Duh.



5 DRESSED AS 8

Girls who insist on carrying two bags
Take your mini Coach purse and shove it up your Jansport backpack. You look like a donkey.


Sephora
Unhygenic.


Waiting in line
Overheard at the Clipse launch party: "Line-ups are for people who don't know people." Amen.

Full-coverage foundation make-up
As much as we don't want to see your face, it's not working.

Emmy Rossum, Anne Hathaway
Captains of the bland 'bots brigade.

Cell phone contracts
Fucking over everyone and their dog.

Erin Fetherston
The clothes: meh. The designer: smug spoiled princess.

Call-screeners
When's the last time you called someone and they actually picked up?

Tyrannical "all about me" high-maintenance friends
Don't be surprised if your call gets screened. Bitch.

Bloc Party's new lyrics
We already have an earnest, pseudo-political poster-boy, and his name is Chris Martin.




ALL TEXT COPYRIGHT MISSY AND EM, YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND 2007
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Issue 1 - Hot Shit v. Piece of Shit


HOT Shit

New Young Pony Club's Ice Cream Remixes
Another scoop of our favourite flavour, please.

Payless Shoe's Patent Mary Jane Wedges
Where else can you pay $40 for Kate Spade look-a-likes?

Purple
The new navy.

The Sartorialist Blog on Style.com

Bring on the second season!!!

Beige Patent Accessories
One part hooker + one part granny = 100% H.S.

Niyi
His music is the only thing keeping us warm this winter. Listen here

The Peter Bjorn and John T-Shirt

As worn by Drew Barrymore on SNL.

A.P.C.
Absolutely. Perfect. Clothes.

Coloured Denim
Those Japanese girls from five years ago were fashion prophets.

White Nail Polish
Remember when you painted you nails with White-Out in school?

Getting Excited
It's such a luxury not to talk to stone-cold cardboard cut-out Anna Wintour wannabes these days.

Piece of SHIT


Lincoln Park After Dark

When your suburban boss cops your nail polish it's time to move on.

Urban Outfitter's "Anti-War Scarf"
Hello???

Sienna Miller
Showing tits & ass won't make you a better actress.

DJ Groupies

That's great that you know the DJ but do you have any friends?

Fergie
Her face looks like a hair scrunchie.

Cynicism

Looking like you're sucking on a lemon makes us wish you were. Bitch.

The Skinny Jean Sag

Whatever size you are in the Topshop change room, buy one size smaller. Trust us.

Salt Stains

Ruining winter boots everywhere.


ALL TEXT COPYRIGHT MISSY AND EM, YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND 2007
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.